It took a while, but I'm back!

Here it is, the photo I was trying to post when I last wrote: Ms Stressed Face at work.

The good news is that after some further stress (computer fumble-fingers that I am), I've finally resolved the technical difficulties that interrupted the unfolding of this blog.  

It's been a busy few weeks: what you see above is me back in the role of government bureaucrat but working from home.  A couple of intense weeks like this were followed at the end of January by four days in Ottawa for meetings, which was more stimulating and certainly more social than being hunkered over a computer.  On one level the work has been very welcome, as the money will help to offset the expenses of settling into my new home.  On another level, well, what happened to retirement?!?!  I was just getting started...  This working really cuts into the fun time (she whines).

Last week, I focussed on work of a different sort: I finished and assembled two bookcases, moved them into my office and unpacked several boxes of books.  The office is now more functional and I'm delighted to have access to the books again -- another small step toward this feeling like home.  Unexpectedly, however, there are still enough boxes to fill at least one and probably two more bookcases, so I guess there'll be another round of cabinet-making in my future before too long.                                            

Next week, though, I'll be back in front of the computer.  I have 30 days worth of work to do for Environment Canada before the end of March, with half of those days already done.  (That ought to allow for a reasonable amount of fun time interspersed among work hours, you'd think.  We'll see...)

I've resented the work for cutting into the pleasure I was having before Christmas; it's made me grumpy.  Okay, maybe it's not just the work, maybe it's winter.  But it's been a pretty benign winter here so far and the days are noticeably lengthening, so maybe it's a bit of everything.  I upheaved my life by moving and retiring at the same time, and maybe it's just a lot to deal with at once without some ups and downs along the way.  I find myself churning with big questions to which only the passage of time will provide answers (like: "What am I doing here?"  "This was your plan, don't you remember?"  "Well, yes... but What Am I Doing Here?").  No regrets about moving, but in truth I haven't yet fully arrived... and that will take time.  

I feel like the proverbial kid in the candy shop: many dazzling options but only a nickel to spend, so how to choose?!?!  Do I want to recommit to the life path I've been on (trying to make the world a better place by changing society) or take a new path (creativity and entrepreneurship) or find a way to merge them?  These are the kinds of questions that one faces (okay, I'm facing...) in "retirement".  I'm simply not ready to sit in the bleachers of life.  It would be easy to seize the first opportunities that come my way in order to avoid the question: what do I want my life to be?  We all faced that question as teenagers, when there was a lifetime ahead, we were immortal and anything was possible.  It was a toughie then... but it gets more complicated when time is starting to run short, the body is showing unmistakable signs and it's patently obvious that some things won't be possible.  One might think that having fewer options would make the choices easier, but I'm old enough to know that every door I open means another door -- many others -- that will have been passed by forever.  

In fact, what an incredible privilege and luxury it is to have the opportunity to consciously, intentionally revisit those kinds of questions during the course of my life.  I'm very, very lucky; blessed, even.  Respectful of this gift and trying to choose wisely, I'm going to take my time, keep on putting one foot in front of the next and stay observant for what comes up.  Even when, as lately, the inner turmoil leaves me feeling grumpy.  Please bear with me when I'm a sourpuss; I'm merely venting.